How Meghan McCain Could Save the World: 6.12

John McCain's seemingly-hot-but-actually-not daughter Meghan (seriously, an unnecessary 'h'?) has become friends with Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from The Hills because apparently idiocy loves company.

Now the LA Times reports that Spence and Heidi are interested in using their new connection to go to Iraq to 'entertain the troops.'

Those poor effing troops.

On the upside, though, this is may be yet another brave sacrifice by our men and women in uniform because it represents the best chance we have of permanently ridding the world of these destructively insipid stains on humanity.

All Meghan's gotta do is arrange it so that this lovely couple gets to fly into Iraq. The troops, once they've been "entertained" by Heidi and Spencer, will more than likely "accidentally" get separated from the douchebag duo in a dangerous neighborhood of Baghdad.

With any luck, the massive violence and instability will take care of the rest.

So please, Meghan McCain, do your best to save the world from the most insufferable douchebags of the 21st century.

The Dumb Reasons Why You Aren't Getting Hired: 6.11

Recently, we've had to hire a few new people for our growing office, a couple of assistant types, basically. The jobs ain't tough--just your standard coffee-bringer-photocopying-call-rolling jobs--and thanks to the crappy economy and the lure of Hollywood, there were a lot of applicants.

So I was enlisted to try and go through the stacks of resumes, help out with some phone pre-interviews, and offer second opinions. And that's how I got involved in the ethical and moral quandaries of being an employer.

If you've been trying to get a job lately, you might be surprised at some of the crazy reasons that cause resumes to be tossed...

"The girl I just talked to seemed really nice, but..."
"But...?"
"I think she was probably too nice to work here. We need a borderline biatch."

One young woman, in passing, expressed a moral distaste for a college professor sleeping with a student: "She just seems too ethical to work here."

One young man was rejected after a brief phone pre-interview because he had a 'weird' voice. "It wasn't like an accent, it was more like, you sound lame."

Another rejection:
"The Big Boss wouldn't like her."
"Why?"
"She seems like the type of person to stand up for herself."
"Oh yeah, that would be bad."

One applicant was overqualified: "Ugh, that biyatch would get in here and try to steal my job."

Another seemed underqualified: "Who the hell puts their goddam elementary school on their resume?" "Um...a 14-year-old?"

Another outright rejection: "He has tattoos."
"So?"
"Do you think a guy with tattoos would get along with the Big Boss?"
"Ugh, fine, point taken."

"Toss this in the circular file--this girl's from Florida."
"So?"
"Sorry, maybe you didn't hear me-- she's from Florida. You know, America's stanky armpit? The only thing out of Florida I would touch with a ten-foot pole is an orange."

"Ha! Look at this--a Fox News intern!" [general merriment as the resume is set on fire and the ashes scattered]

"That guy I just talked to is rejected-- he's obviously a stoner."
"Yeah, that would not be good."
"Whatever, I just don't want someone who's obvious."

"Reject!"
"Why?"
"I just Googled him, he's totally fat."
"You can't not interview someone because they're fat--that's discriminatory."
"Whatever, he's obviously been discriminating against exercise and vegetables for years."

Of course, being pretty isn't enough either. "Ugh, God, look the picture this biatch has on Facebook, Atlas."
"Huh...she has really nice eyes."
"Nice eyes? That's what guys say when they're mesmerized by breasts. I'm not becoming the ugly girl in the office."

So what does this prove? Admittedly, not much.

Just that, once again, working in Hollywood is a complete and total crapshoot that is almost totally unrelated to competence, talent, or intelligence. But you already knew that, right?

Meet the Reason Movies Suck- Joan Graves: 6.10

If you've ever wondered why Hollywood movies suck so much, look no further than the chief censor-harpy of CARA, the Classification and Ratings Administration for the MPAA (Muthafuckin Pathological A-hole "Artists").

Her name is Joan Graves, and she is the reason.

Defamer ran a piece on this cuntface and it brought back so many memories...

...Of Joan Graves eviscerating a terribly smart little indie film for 'adult content' which she takes to mean as "anything that might challenge accepted ideas and/or cause people to think."

...Of Joan Graves refusing to hear any sort of rational arguments and citing the 'votes' of her handpicked 'board' (when in fact, the Joan-led "group discussions" make it clear how members should vote)

...Of Joan Graves treating me like a normal human being when repping a studio, but like a leper when repping an indie.**

But Atlas, you say, how can one woman be responsible for so many bad movies?

Why, with the magic of Hollywood, that's how!

The unregulated and omnipotent monopoly that is the MPAA (composed of, and controlled by, the major studios) chooses the head of CARA (our gal Joan). This supposedly makes him or her 'independent.'

Kind of like how the Wall Street Journal is independent of Rupert Murdoch.

So then Joan chooses a board of cronies who have 'no special qualifications' that might make them reliable proxies for the sentiments of Americans.

The anonymous members of CARA are supposed to be parents of kids under 16 or 18, but mostly aren't. Instead, she uses retirees and older housewives (read: conservatives) with a few token crazies thrown in, because they're cheaper and easier to control.

And just in case anyone starts to get any fresh ideas, they're all drowned out by a massive group-think session after each movie. This allows Joan to carefully guide the votes in her desired direction.

Basically, this makes her able to give the studios what they want: no censorship on their movies, but a whole heap of trouble for indies. So studios can put out movies like the new Rambo with as much mindless violence as they want, while good movies get censored so much that they suck--or they eschew ratings and get no distribution.

Oh--and if you're wondering why any filmmaker would subject their art to such a blatantly rigged system, remember that your film must have a rating to get into 95%+ of theaters in the US. It's an unfair monopoly that should be illegal. It should make you mad. And it should change. Now.

Unfortunately, that would take a non-Republicanized anti-trust branch at the Justice Department or an act of Congress, whose Democrats are in the thrall of Hollywood. So good luck with that. In the meantime, I can only recommend what I always recommend: burn the city to the ground.

For more on this issue, go watch this excellent, behind-the-scenes, cheekily fun but kinda depressing movie: This Film Is Not Yet Rated. It's a must-see for anyone with film industry aspirations. And hopefully, it will convince you to avoid this dark, terrible business like the plague.

**In her interview with her Stanford alumni magazine, she asserts that studios have it easier because they have a designated liaison and know the system. This is absolute crap. She knows who pays the bills.

Gloria Steinem Has Never Seemed More Irrelevant: 6.09

I can't talk about the writer's strike--it just makes me too sad. I just wish both sides would start acting like grown-ups and get this thing over with. Instead, there's this...

I know you could probably care less about an op-ed piece in The New York Times, but I just read one and it made me confused and sad. This one was by Gloria Steinem, one of the leading lights of the women's rights movement since the 1960s.

She tries to make the point that if Barack Obama was a woman named Achola Obama, no one would consider her for President because she's a black chick. It's not really clear why no one would elect an African-American woman when most voters seem quite comfortable with both parts of that gender/race equation...other than Steinem says so.

Because sorry, Gloria, I've got two words for you: Oprah Winfrey.

At left, Steinem, back when she really mattered.

Oprah could have a Senate seat, governorship, or probably even the Presidency if she wanted it. Yes, Gloria, both African-Americans and Womyn-Americans have it tougher than us white males. But they both have it easier than say, a Mexican-American lesbian dwarf.

The point for Democrats is who can do the best job of helping Mexican-American lesbian dwarves, not whether black skin or a vajayjay is the bigger barrier to the Presidency.

Which, really, is my entire problem with Clinton supporters--and to a lesser extent, Baby Boomers. They want to keep arguing about things that should've been settled long ago by either agreeing to disagree .

But the part that really makes me mad is that Gloria claims she'd support Obama as the nominee, then writes:

"What worries me is that some women, perhaps especially younger ones, hope to deny or escape the sexual caste system; thus Iowa women over 50 and 60, who disproportionately supported Senator Clinton, proved once again that women are the one group that grows more radical with age."

It's this sort of sophistry that makes young people remember why they wish everyone would just shut the f--k up about the 60s.

At right, Gloria today.


Because seriously, Gloria, a vote for a former first lady, current Senator and long-time Washington insider can hardly be called radical. It's about as Establishment as Establishment gets.

What's radical is that this hetero white male considers a radical feminist icon be part of a backwards, conservative, and out-of-touch Establishment.

And it's all thanks to Barack Obama.

The 15 Most Powerful People Under 30 in 2008

Once again in recent history, it's hip to be young. And these days, hip comes with some power, too. As does money and sexiness and opportunity and sheer luck.

This list will try to measure all of that. The main criteria: intelligence, celebrity and global popularity, sex appeal, professionalism and work ethic, charisma and future potential for power. These young people are tomorrow's (and today's) leaders.

15. Kimmie Weeks, 26, student/activist. Born in Liberia, Weeks founded his first NGO, Voice of the Future, at the age of 13, when war was ripping apart his home country. At 15, he founded the Children's Disarmament Campaign under the aegis of UNICEF. After publishing a report on warlord-in-chief Charles Taylor's training of child soldiers, he became a target of the military government, and fled to the US. He now runs Youth Action International while getting his master's degree from Penn.

14. Hayden Panettiere, 17, actress. Heroes has catapulted her to international stardom, and her activism led to her totally awesome warrant in Japan (for trying to save dolphins, no less), which just adds to her global street cred. She was saving dolphins, yo. Currently first in line to be the next Angelina.

13. Sasha and Malia Obama, 6 and 9 respectively, kids/students. The daughters of Barack Obama have a Secret Service security detail. Sasha seems to love crowds, and they love her right back. Based on their parents, both girls will be tall, gorgeous, and smart celebrities. And by the end of the year, they could be the President's kids. At least I hope so.

12. Luke Ravenstahl, 27, Pittsburgh mayor (Democrat). Yes, he's the mayor of a major American city, and has been since Sept. 2006. He was recently re-elected with well over 60% of the vote.

11. Britney Spears, 26, entertainer/train wreck. She's still worth millions, yo. Just ask K-Fed. Plus, she still is technically a global superstar, even if she's seen better days. Just goes to show you don't need much talent to have power.

10. Albert II, 24. Prince of Thurn and Taxis, heir, and racecar driver. One of the 500 richest people in the world, with just north of $2 billion. Yeah, he didn't really earn it, but he's got it, biatch.

9. Ming Yao aka- Yao Ming, 27. Basketball player. This 7'6" Chinese center for the Houston Rockets is well on his way to being America's favorite (and tallest) Chinese import. And he's a rich global superstar already.

8. Kim Jong-Chul, 27. Son of diminuitive, bouffanted North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, this Swiss-educated Jong-Chul was recently appointed deputy chief of a leadership division in the North Korean government, like his father was before he took over in North Korea. He is one of the few people on this list who would easily be able to have someone killed. I'm not mentioning the others for fear of my life. Kim Jong-Chul on Wikipedia.

7. Justin Timberlake, 26. Multi-hyphenate entertainer. Most likely to continue to make larger piles of money longer than any musician currently already famous. Also, popular on the YouTubes. Best of all, won an Emmy(!) for "Dick in a Box".

6. Bilawal Bhutto Zardari, 19. Son of Benazir Bhutto, first female prime minister of a modern Muslim country. History student at Oxford. Newly-named co-leader of Bhutto dynasty's People's Party, probably Pakistan's largest and most potent political party. Most likely to be future prime minister or president of a nuclear-armed country, after Kim Jong-Chul.

5. Mark Zuckerberg, 23. Facebook chieftain. Much has been said about him, and I'm kinda over him, but he's undeniably built something that's influencing our culture in a significant way. And 2008 looks like a good year for Facebook. What've you done lately?

4. Chelsea Clinton, 27. Presidential daughter. Has overheard more in the halls of power than 1001 political gossips, stood strong against right-wing jabs even as a teenager, and yet today deports herself like a lady. Plus, she has a Secret Service detail for life. And don't think I don't remember, Chelsea, those rumors of you having a threesome with two of those bodyguards, one male, one female. Hott.

Your mom, however, is not hott.

3. Daniel Radcliffe, 18. Actor/Harry Potter. Has the power to summon armies of money and kids (and parents) to theaters worldwide. Also seems to have acting chops (thanks, London's West End) and megabucks (est. $40-50 million net worth for 2008). The new year will be good for him, but really, this kid could go all the way. Shia who?

2. Giselle Bundchen, 27. Supermodel. The world's best-paid model (to the tune of $33 million in 2006) she can make anything sexy.

And in today's world, that's power.

1. Steve Chen, 29, YouTube founder & chief technology officer. Worth about $350 million already, and linked to net titans PayPal, YouTube, and now in the Googlesphere. What will he do next? Who knows...I just know everyone will be watching.

Did I forget someone powerful? They probably aren't under 30 anymore?

But should, like, Beyonce be on this list?

And if she is, what's your power formula that you used to arrive at that conclusion? Please support your answer in the comments.

On Sympathy, Strike: 6.08

The Writer's Guild is standing up for the rights of the Mash-Up Generation. (that's us youngin's, btw, who've grown up in an age where truly creating your identity from ever more disparate strands is the defining choice of Americans)

That's why they're on strike.

So support them.

And I'd like to offer a helpful hint to studios--think about what ultimately happens if you try to crush the writer's strike.

Your most talented writers get pushed into the cold, harsh world of modern New Media.

Where they'll soon find it costs next to nothing for them to do their own thing.

And not much more to harness the power of collaboration, obviating the need for studios.

Which means you lose your job, studio suit.

So sit down, truly negotiate, and cut in the writers in if you know what's good for you.

I'm Proud To Be Gayer Than Most: 6.07

On this national day of coming out, I would like to announce that I am proud to be gayer than most heterosexual twentysomething males.

Because the simple fact is, gay people are awesome.

As a Hollywood assistant, I know that they are at least three to four times as awesome on average than your stereotypical straight guy.

Why? I don't know exactly.

But really, do we ask why the sky is blue?

Usually, when I get the gay implication comment, and I ask why, it's often to do with my apparently admirable haircut, clothing choices, good grooming habits, natural-looking tan (it is, btw), intelligence, manners, or even just general advice.


Look, it's Hollywood, gay is in the air.

So I'm saying, support ENDA, and support the transgenda', too. It's good for you. Because you see, the gays will do you good. They will make your life better.

And let's just let people get gay married, shall we? What's the worst that could happen? Weddings could get less tasteful, shorter, weaker, more of an object of reality television mockery?

Seriously, though, what's your beef with the gays?

If it's immorality, then let he who is without sin cast the first vote against them.

America was founded on the principle of separation of church and state. Marriage, unwisely, is integrated into the function of government, instead of being a religious institution. Because if it was solely a religious institution, it wouldn't be a problem. Some religions could recognize that God is cool with gays, and some could be haters.

But it would all be protected by the aegis of freedom of worship. As it stands, the government has gotten involved with tax breaks and adoption and immigration and inheritance privileges and all manner of civil rights.

So those civil rights have to be equal. Because if America's about one thing, it's equality under the law.

Okay, yes, even preachy, young me knows how naive that sentiment is, but hey, I can have a dream, right?

How 'bout this? It SHOULD be equality under the law.

TECHNORATI TAGS: Hollywood, coming out, gay,civil rights, government, reform, discrimination, young people, justice

Support Hillary and Work in Media? You're a Traitor: 6:06

I apologize for the provocative title, but I had to get your attention, didn't I?

Because this Hollywood assistant has something to say about politics.

My generation isn't supposed to be into politics because....why again? I've forgotten if there are any other excuses for young people not being engaged besides apathy...

Are there any more excuses? With us youngins being into the interwebs and being all connected and shizznit. We know the score. Lauryn Hill told us.

So this goes out to all the media folk...I urge you to do something you don't normally do-- to remember the past to change the future.

Remember when Hillary, pre-9/11, tilted at videogame and Hollywood violence windmills?
She did.

And it brought the heat down, and certainly delayed the recognition of videogames as both art and a desireable high-tech industry.

Of course, like a lot of her policies, it was a lot of hot air and relatively little action.

Even hubby Bill dissed the admittedly left-wing Sistah Souljah to distance himself from the left wing. The Clintons know how to exploit the fear of Hollywood to win votes in the Heartland.

And in these times when we know the government listens to everything anyway, that's going to have a horribly chilling effect on us media drones who are already afraid to do anything that might get us in trouble with our corporate masters.

Plus, it's pretty much a given these days that people vote for whichever candidate they'd want to have a beer with. Seriously, think back. It goes back to at least the 50s. Think about it.

Do you want to get a beer with Hillary Rodham Clinton? Does anyone?

Here's the thing: I'm afraid the Republicans might somehow win with Giuliani or Law & Order's Fred Thompson. And that would be a catastrophe. But Hillary is just divisive enough to make it happen.

Would you rather get a beer with Rudy Giuliani or Hillary Rodham Clinton? Hillary or Fred Thompson, who seems like he would get kinda drunk and start telling awesomely hilarious dirty stories?

I think he would.

But who doesn't want to have a beer with their new black friend, President Barack Obama? No one. Unless they're racist. And that's only like a third of the voting age population nowadays.

Plus, now would be a good time for a constitutional law professor to take over, what with the complete disregard for the law this Bush administration has embodied? And Hill's not exactly been one to follow the letter of the law herself. Whitewater, anyone?

And Obama's got experience-- as a humble state senator for 8 years, before being a Senator for a couple, plus the whole constitutional law professor, editor of the Harvard Law Review, and community organizer in Chicago for 3 years thing(s).

And it's about effing time we gave a black man a go at the presidency. Besides it being time, just think of how that could restore our dreams a little, and the world's in us even more. And we could use that...a lot.

Also, Barack Obama is part Kansan. And we all know Jesus was a Kansan. At least, that was the slogan of a friend of mine who is dead now. She was awesome while she was around. She'd be an Obama girl, I think.

And finally, media peeps, I think even those of us who find ourselves working for Fox would find it amusing that a show on that network, run by right-winger Joel Surnow no less, could pave the way for a black President so effectively.


Above, future American President Barack Hussein Obama....wait, his middle name is Hussein? We'll even have Arab street cred!

And yes, Senator Obama, that does mean you have to send a thank-you note to Dennis Haysbert. But not to Joel Surnow, unless you're feeling generous.

Oh, and why don't I support John Edwards? Why the seemingly automatic allegiance to Obama?

Besides the proven facts indicating Obama is awesome, it's because Edwards is a douche who gets $400 haircuts.

Putting the Fun(bags) Back Into Politics: 6.05

Still working on the new job...more on that soon...until then, this...

A friend and I got to talking about politics last night and we both kinda surprised to remember that YouTube didn't even exist during the last presidential election. Funny how everyday online video has become.

Anyway, a number of interesting political videos has appeared online, including Obama's "Vote Different/Hillary=1984" video, "Rudy Giuliani - Not a Mormon", and Hillary's Sopranos spoof.

But by far the best trend in election videos? Hot girls.

By now, you've probably at least vaguely heard of Obama Girl, the comely lass with a serviceable voice (not hers) who gained fame (3 million+ youtube views alone) with the surprisingly entertaining online music video "I've Got a Crush [on Obama]".

It's a standard R&B love song about Barack Obama, dressed up with some snappy political references and oddball humor (the Obama pics get overdone, methinks).
Have no idea what I'm writing about?
Watch her video:



And that sparked a "Giuliani Girl" parody of course.

Hillary got "Hott for Hill" which shamelessly utilizes children to spread its message of Hillary being hot...as a candidate, or something.

And then along came the creepily hilarious "Kucinich Girl":


Even Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback got some video girl love.

And then came certainly the greatest achievement in online political video to date:



What's not to love about this? Credit goes to BarelyPolitical.com for the production.

It's hot girls shaking it while having a lyrical throwdown and then having a pillowfight. With, like, politics and stuff, too.

But frankly, if democracy was just hot girls shaking it in a dance contest, followed by a fierce pillowfight, I think we could manage at least 90% voter turnout among young (hetero) males.

All hail the future of democracy!